The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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