I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
