He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
