In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
