Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
