I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
