where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We smell like vodka and hangover
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