my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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