Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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