So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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