never play flip cup with pint glasses
i may or may not be watching the land before time
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
