I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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