i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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