why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize