When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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