just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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