some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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