the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
