She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
