I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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