my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I've blown a few things in my day
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize