Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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