I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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