My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
