we'll go far in life on tits alone.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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