You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
