I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
