thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
