I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I've blown a few things in my day
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize