using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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