hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
