i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
