So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
