TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize