So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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