Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
