Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
