I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
