I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
