She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
