what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
