I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
