she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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