And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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