i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
