I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
