hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
