Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize