It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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