i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
