This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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