I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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