I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize