I didn't shave. On purpose
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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