I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
