I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
