i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hippo gnu deer
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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