Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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