alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
