I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
