the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
