I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
