Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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