We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize