i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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