4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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