is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
