I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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