so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
