just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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