We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
