Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize